This is the first plant medicine retreat I’ve been to.
This is a really long review.
In short: I needed the community and leaders to expose myself through the medicine.
I think the medicine was actually strong enough but I reacted to it differently than I ever have to any psychedelics in the past because I felt safe, loved, accepted.
I got the reparenting that I needed and the feeling of acceptance from the community.
My intention was to quit substances but underlying that was to actually to feel safe and connected around people.
That’s exactly what I got.
I couldn’t be more grateful.
….

I was referred to Ayahuasca by my cousin and talk therapist because I felt my problem was with substances.
But the source of that problem was feeling unsafe with people.
My cousin said it was from all the past trauma in my dad’s side of the family. He had CPTSD and Ayahuasca saved his life.
He said he saw all of his childhood and the abuse he went through.
I saw the change in him. He grew to love himself and started sharing that compassion with me.

My substance use wasn’t the core of the problem.
It was masking my fear of being accepted, doing things “right”, feeling cared for, learning to ask for what I need. Feeling like an outsider, alone, trying to save the world from because of the sadness I felt in my own broken heart.

My intention was actually to feel safe and accepted, included, and heard. Especially with all the fears, emotions and pain that I have been hiding for so long.

I needed and will always need community. I have never felt so loved and free to release what’s inside me.
I needed the space of safety and love that Sonia And Emeline created for us.
What they created was an energy that we all shared as a group.
At first I was going to ask for a private session with Emeline since she is so qualified and kind.
I ended up getting so much more because my specific need was to feel SAFE with people.
To put myself in the circle instead of the outsider looking in.
Emeline and Sonia helped me identify and heal the underlying need.
And the community of people that they selected was so energetically accepting it multiplied the healing.
I was scared to be around people as my natural self before.
We’ve always had our mission at my yoga studio:
“To create a community of self-love and well-being”…
I have and even stronger desire to create an accepting, loving, authentic community.

It was reparenting. Even while I’m helping my birth parents and putting myself in this challenging place, I feel strong enough and cared for enough to defend myself without externals.