The first night of my three nights of ceremony was one of the most unpleasant experiences I have ever had.
I was surrounded by facilitators who wanted to spread goodness and helpfulness, other people like me who were hurting but hopeful, and I spent the night approaching the altar five times, feeling darkness, discomfort, and misery rolling around inside my body, thinking, “I don’t belong here. As soon as the day comes, I will leave and not return the next two nights.” I had received so much guidance from facilitators before ceremony, and they all spent the night creating a space of music and peace in the desert, and here I was struggling to get to where I assumed everyone around me must be. Here I was, full of judgment and discomfort, waiting for a release that didn’t come until dawn, when after hours of silently sobbing into my mats, I was able to purge at the side of one of the facilitators.
That’s when everything changed. The first night, the ceremony weekend, the trajectory of that first year, the rest of my life.
Not right away, of course. But feeling all the concentrated miseries of a lifetime and recent tragedies lift made me feel like there was the possibility of more, of better, of healing, of letting go of darkness and judgment and welcoming in a connection with life I had not been in touch with before. I went outside into the sun and ate fruit with another facilitator and cried happy tears of release, and tried to explain the things I had seen and the things I was still looking for — many of which I would end up figuring out much later, and noticing with surprise and delight the connection to that first night and the ones that followed.
I returned eleven more times that year, and could have only had the experiences and transformations I had surrounded by this group of amazing people — their hearts, their music, their sensitivity, their senses of humor, and how supremely grounded they all are. If you are in need, they will come to your aid. If you need to experience a more solitary journey, the space is there for you to do so unbothered.
If you feel called to ayahuasca, I can not imagine a better, safer, more comforting and caring place to be among the finest people who will do everything in their power to help you face yourself, answer your questions, and hold space for you long after you leave the maloka. The work you must do for your particular situation is a process that starts before ceremony and unfolds itself weeks, months, years after the night is over — but the facilitators, karma crew, and other participants at Arizona Yagé Assembly are there to show you that it can be done, that there is joy to discover, that there is light within you, that you can let go, and that there is a place of unconditional love that can surprise and delight even the most negative, judgmental, wounded person out there…..if you open yourself up, even just a tiny sliver, for it. You are out in the stars, in the desert, with the sound of drums and flutes and singing from people who have worked for years bringing knowledge and practices from their friends in the jungle to a place where it can benefit others. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, or what you’re looking for, the people at Arizona Yagé Assembly will help you put it into words so that you can figure it out and learn what it is to feel connected to and seen by a loving universe that — no matter how messed up, broken, or damaged you might feel — truly delights in your spirit, your life, and your existence.