About two months ago, I was diagnosed with acute stress disorder which resulted in severe insomnia (awake for greater than 24 hours multiple times a week and good ol’ panic attacks nights before work). I took a medical leave from work to figure this all out, while seeing my primary care doctor, a counselor, psychiatrist, and even a hypnotherapist. I was told that I was in the “fight” mode for too long and that my body had excess cortisol which prevented me from sleeping. The traditional remedies for sleep were not working (extreme cardio/cold plunges/diet/meditation). I wasn’t being kept up at night due to negative thoughts, it was more so my body simply wouldn’t shut down for sleep. I was prescribed antidepressants but wanted to try a ceremony first, as the two are not compatible simultaneously. I had a feeling my issues were more of a spiritual nature rather than solely a chemical imbalance one. Luckily, there was a cancelation, and I was able to slip into a 2 night ceremony during the tight window of time I had before I needed to get the ball rolling with the pharmaceuticals.

Night one: I realized how important community is and how much I have been lacking this in my personal life. I cannot tell you how grateful I was just to talk and listen to the other participants…all these people in different chapters of their own life paths. It was such an amazing group of people and this had a huge impact on my ability to surrender fully to the medicine (in the coming night). Night one, I was scared. I didn’t go into the medicine too deeply out of fear…fear that somehow the weight of what I had been dealing with lately would bleed out and be visible to others? Fear that I didn’t want to see too deep inside myself? Who knows… Despite my hesitance and unwillingness to go super deep the first night- I still received grace. I had been dealing with a lot of romanticized fantasies/attachments to past relationships in my mind. No doubt these were defense mechanisms arising in response to the current season in my life where I plan for marriage. The part of myself afraid of commitment was speaking out through these attachments, but on night one these were pulled out of me visibly and I see all these attachments become farther away as though taking off in a plane and leaving behind the runway. Additionally, through all the counseling leading up to the ceremony; I had a pretty clear idea what my next move needed to be in life. Night one was an affirmation of my plans…”You already know the next direction to take in your path, so now go do it!”. After night one, I really felt I got everything I needed…I now knew where to go in life…I had the logistics down mentally. It was the feeling of wandering through life and then getting a solid affirmation of a clear direction to take. What more could be needed? I completely forgot about the “healing” I still needed.

Night 2: I convinced myself that night 2 was not even needed…I was shown the path to take in life, what else could possibly happen? I asked Demi her advice, and she told me she believes my spot opened up for a reason, that I should do night two, but the choice is mine. If you have not met Demi yet, you will find that surrendering to her guidance comes so natural. I decided to do night two based on her guidance. As soon decided to move forward, I was terrified. I realized that me trying to bail on night 2 was me trying to run, hide, and escape. I still do not know why, and it is not important I suppose.

The ceremony begins and almost immediately I am deep, deep, deep into the medicine. Deeper perhaps than I have ever been. Relaying each and every vision may not be important…as the language used by the medicine was catered to my life experiences and used symbols/narratives relevant to me alone. I want to hold myself accountable for sharing my visions from the medicine by living them out; showing them…taking action inspired by the medicine and manifesting the transformations into physical is the best way for me to truly share me experience with you. What better medium for an artist to use to create than that of his own life?

Here some main takeaways:

My “illness”, was my body making a decision my mind knew it should have made long ago. I made the choice to remain in a toxic work environment to chase the money. I knew I should have quit a year ago. My body stepped in and made the choice for me. How beautiful it was that my body got my attention in such a way that I could course correct. I will no longer ignore warning signs…I will listen to my body. A common night of insomnia, a ritualistic Sunday night of dread, sleeping way too much…these are my body’s warning signs that I am on the wrong path. I choose to extricate myself from a job that no longer serves me. I choose to go back to school and fulfill a 10 year calling of becoming a counselor (LPC). The path begins in November… and I haven’t been this excited in a long time.

This was merely my experience and I don’t claim this to be the reality for all, nor do I intend this to be preaching. I understand now why they call Aya “the Mother”. The healing I received came from something I cannot call anything other than a “Goddess”. It was the Divine Feminine. It was channeled through Demi, and I saw how my grandmother, mother, aunts, partner…even the women who sang us to sleep as children in day care; are all manifestations of this beautiful Divine Feminine…the energy of healing, comfort, peace. My cultural conditioning as a man inspires me to always be on alert…always fix, do, plan, control. I surrendered this during ceremony and was met with healing. It was a healing that left me in a state where the only thing to do was to bow my head and cry tears of joy and gratitude. It was the realization of the love that is all around me in my life and how I simply lost awareness of this due to my choice of staying in a toxic work environment. Metaphorically, I was so zoomed in looking at the tiny brush strokes of dark hues that I failed to step back and observe the beautiful masterpiece before me…and how the darkness contrasts/defines the light.
My job as a man, is to protect, nurture and serve the women in my life. Not “serve” in the sense of a slavish/mindless obedience, for that would be yet another power imbalance…but serve in the sense that I ensure every woman in my life knows that I am aware of the beauty they bring and how grateful I am for this. I get to nurture this and harbor a dynamic of co-creation within my partnership with my soon to be wife.

In summary, I got more than what I thought I needed. The healing received sent me into a new direction in life…one that I had been putting off for some time. I made so many friends within the circle and would suggest staying at the ceremony location if possible, and not leaving to go home if you have the option. Every participant is looking for something too, and being in the presence of fellow seekers is healing itself. I felt that my circle mates had by back during the ceremony. I cannot say enough good things about Demi and Jamie…I felt so protected and I could shut off my “always on alert” status, and fully surrender to the experience. Jamie made us blueberry pancakes in the morning and I had to fight the most intense urge to pig out…breakfast was delicious and I really felt so much comfort from this. Breakfast and the sharing circle really had a unique family feeling and I had the privilege of hearing about my fellow participants’ experiences. You are in good hands here…trust these healers, the space, and surrender to the calling. How beautiful it is we have this healing available in our community….how lucky we truly are.

The lyrics of one ceremony song was etched deep inside of me and I feel like it sums everything up nicely: “Let our love heal everyone”